So, some of you out there are bothering to vote, still? For you, I recommend a radical vote-avoidance therapy:
What’s the word? Thunderbird!
How’s it sold? Good and cold!
What’s the jive? Bird’s alive!
What’s the price? Thirty twice!
Before voting, secure a few dollars and journey deep into the exciting neighborhood nearest you. Locate and enter the first brightly lit Stop ‘N’ Rob that you see, and locate the Fortified Wines Department. If in doubt, ask the attendant lurking behind the scratched Plexiglass where the “Mad Dog” or “T-Bird” is. Remember the magic formula: (Price / (Volume * Alcohol Percentage)). Use this calculation to locate the election night beverage of choice. Purchase a bottle, or two. Two is better. Before leaving, also secure a few Colas. In cans – that is important. Your beverage might dissolve plastic bottles, and mixing a drink through the narrow bottle mouth would prove hard, soon.
Return home. Do not stop at the polling station, that comes later. You have plenty of time. Don’t worry. Place one bottle in the refrigerator. Claim the other for yourself. Take a drink of Cola. Open your bottle of Apple Wine Product, and fill the can back full with the fortified cordial. Swirl the can so as to mix the wine with the Cola. Take a drink of the now-enhanced soda. Force it down – this is for your own good. Don’t think too hard about how bad the Cola tastes, just think about how much you hate Kerry. Or Bush. Or whoever. Repeat this process until the drink is too strong. At that time, add equal amounts of Cola and wine to the can until the second can is gone.
By this time, gravity should be lessening its effects on random parts of your body. Parts of you will be floating, other parts will be dragging. This is normal. Sip directly from the bottle of fortified apple goodness. Force the now-warm liquid down. Isn’t this more fun than voting? No – don’t rush out to vote yet. Think deeply about the dwindling bottle of wine, and how strangely good it is. Continue to sip and force, force and sip. Pretend you are voting. Doesn’t that feel good? You’re making a difference, you know. Doing your civic duty. Feel free to talk aloud about how voting makes you feel. Turn on your television, and watch the election returns. Your vote is in there somewhere, and it’s making a difference. Yes it is. How does that make you feel? Keep sipping fortified wine.
By now you may have finished the first bottle. The second bottle is waiting for you, in the refrigerator. Go to it. The appliances will be gently rocking up and down on the waves now, this is OK. Continue to sip your wine and contemplate your vote. Soon, your bleary eyes will see the room gently spinning, spinning as you sink to the hard, yet now oddly warm floor. You will sleep now, and dream softly of a better world. When you awake, it will be a new day.
As you attempt to clean the various household surfaces that were soiled during the night, reflect on your vote. Did you really vote? Did it matter? Things are very confusing now, and your head hurts. This is normal. You are sleepy again, but the floor is now hard and cold. And sticky. Perhaps later today, after the headache stops, you can figure this out. Perhaps tomorrow.