The Secret Airline/TSA/Homeless Shelter Conspiracy


EUGENE, Ore. (AP) — Airport discards in the response to a terror plot have turned into balm for the homeless in Eugene.

The St. Vincent de Paul Society of Lane County has started picking up some of the things people have jettisoned for security reasons as they board flights at the Eugene Airport.

Charley Harvey, assistant executive director of the charity, dug through trash bags Tuesday and took every bottle of shampoo and shaving cream he could find. The items will be distributed at the organization’s First Place Family Center.

After investigators said they uncovered a plot in Britain to blow up aircraft, travelers tossed the items into trash bins in compliance with new rules prohibiting most liquids, lotions and gels in carry-on luggage.

Liquids are banned from aircraft because they supposedly might be disguised explosives. Yet, rather than the bomb squad trucking the confiscated hair gel, toothpaste, and Preparation H off to an abandoned quarry and detonating it, Homeland Security is dumping the items en masse into trash cans and allowing the local homeless shelter to harvest what they want.

One explanation for this apparent contradiction is that this is a secret plot to get rid of poor people being perpetrated by the TSA, charity organizations, and the airlines:

“Go ahead and take that ‘toothpaste’, homeless guy. Heh, heh, heh!”

TSA screeners are so dedicated to this plot that they willingly risk their lives by handling potentially explosive liquids as roughly as if they were nothing more than harmless toiletries. Or maybe they’ve all been brainwashed by the KGB. Or aliens! It might be true, you know.

After all, what other explanation could there be? That all those things really are harmless, that the government’s just trying to put on a big show? That’s crazy talk.

One thought on “The Secret Airline/TSA/Homeless Shelter Conspiracy”

  1. I’ve heard a lot of comical skepticism regarding this latest screening procedure but this is by far the most original.

    “Heh, heh, heh!” indeed.

    I left my pocket knife in my carry-on last week when I was flying. I had planned to check the bag but when I got to the airport I changed my mind and decided to carry-on, forgetting I had the knife in there. I go through security and the guy behind the machine goes “WOAH! BAG CHECK!” and rips my bag open and procures my knife while turning to me in an almost too-cheesy daytime Disney channel children’s sitcom manner and saying, “What is THIS?!” like he’s never seen a knife before (but managed to recognize it as dangerous with his machine anyway).

    Figuring I wouldn’t be able to convince him of the fact that everyone on my flight would be safer if I were allowed to bring my knife with me than if they were to confiscate it right there and, being excited about the idea of landing on Oahu (where I was heading) and getting to start my vacation immeadiately without having to stand around in the sweltering heat at the baggage carousel first, I decided to just toss my knife and move along. I’ll buy another later.

    Here’s what I didn’t think of at the time, however– the knife was engraved with my first initial and last name. Now, to think that these screener personnel simply discard confiscated items without first perusing the pile and taking the most choice items would be naivety in the highest order. So of course, one of these young bloods at the LAX screening area pocketed my rather awesome pocket knife and is no doubt walking around town with it/pawning it to someone else as we speak. It will be just my luck that this knife will be used to commit some kind of crime, most likely murder, in the future and, the actual killer being mysteriously unfindable, I will no doubt be implicated, tried, convicted and imprisoned in the murder of a person I have never seen before, all because I was too lazy to check my bag after the TSA screeners found my knife in it.

    Simple screening procedure, or conspiracy to cause otherwise law-abiding citizens to incriminate themselves in criminal proceedings? I’ll let you be the judge.

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