Okay, so all the naysayers out there have been right time and again about America’s Mesopotamian adventure. But they’re about to be proven wrong about the elections being a failure, the Iraqis are really into this democracy thing. In fact, I think they’re doing it even better than we are.
There are several problems. The first is the fact that, technically, we don’t know the candidates. We know the principal heads of the lists but we don’t know who exactly will be running. It really is confusing. They aren’t making the lists public because they are afraid the candidates will be assassinated.
Not only do they have a secret ballot to elect their secret band of robbers and murderers, but they have secret candidates too! Genius! Secret candidates would solve many a problem: would Bush I have lost reelection if voters couldn’t have pinned his broken “No new taxes” pledge on him? Candidate 0A13 looks just like candidate 013A on the ballot. Mad at property tax increases? No problem, the anonymous mail redirector to Representative #1592 not only ensures that your complaint is registered, it keeps him/her safe from your anger! Of course paid lobbyists would still presumably have direct access…
Moving right along, the value of a vote in Iraq is four hundred bucks!
Many, many, many people are not going to vote. Some of those people are selling their voting cards for up to $400. The word on the street is that these ballots are being bought by people coming in from Iran.
Lucky them! Here in the U.S., of course, ballots are worthless, since everyone knows that votes can be and are manufactured out of thin air. Democracy thrives on innovation, and I’ll bet that by next election the vote demand will be well-satisfied by “Arab copies” of American vote-manufacturing technology.
This one pundit has all of the appropriate confidence in the election:
All of this has given the coming elections a sort of sinister cloak. There is too much mystery involved and too little transparency. It is more than a little bit worrisome.
What more proof do you need – isn’t that the perfect description of any functioning election?
Showing that Mesopotamians are hip to the hip hop, they’ve even expanded on P. Diddy’s brilliant and democratic “Vote Or Die” campaign:
Sistani and some others of Iranian inclination came out with fatwas claiming that non-voters will burn in the hottest fires of the underworld for an eternity if they don’t vote…
“Vote Or Die And Then Roast In Hellfire For All Of Eternity While Demons Eat Your Entrails, Idolatrous Dog!” Way to appeal to the Common Man, Mad Mullah S.! You got mad rabble-rousin’ skills! I’ma fiend for da fatwa!
I think the evidence is clear that Iraq has not only attained Western democracy, but they’ve actually extended the field in new and exciting directions.