When USENET was young and Bill Clinton was in full bloom – from July 12, 1998
CLINTON NEWGROUP DISRUPTION UNIT PERFORMANCE REVIEW (UPDATED)
Well, another year has gone by, and it’s time for another performance review! Our old enemy, Dave Sharp, uncovered all of our secret identities
and publicly exposed all of our sinister activities. In essense, this means our entire mission has failed and that continued efforts will be futile and useless. On a brighter note, however, I’m glad to report that funding for this office has just been quadrupled and I have been promoted to Cabinet level. Plans for expansion of the CNDU are well in hand and we are already making plans for the staff pool, private staff bar and gym. So, as you can see, behind every dark cloud is a silver lining. I would like to remind you all that this review is TOP SECRET; please print this document out and then either burn it or swallow it. And now, on to the reviews! ( I have not gotten around to everybody; please don’t feel left out if you are not on this list)
JS, Supervisor, CNDU X-929
MIKE SCHNEIDER X-872z
Mr. Schneider has proven himself a valuable and tireless worker. However, there are a few minor bumps in the otherwise smooth highway of Mr. Schneider’s work record. Some staff have complained about Mr. Schneider’s taking over the cafeteria and declaring it the “Free Republic of Schneider”; there is a general feeling that the “microwave oven tax” is too high and that the Barrett .50 mounted in the doorway indicates a certain animosity. Still, I imagine this will all work out – and it is certainly preferable to the behavior of your predecessor, Mr. Max Kennedy, who would pay off football bets with “common law checks”. (Mr. Kennedy has moved on to the Department of the Treasury)
The only other complaint I have received is from Mr. Wayne McGuire (X-909) who claims that you gave him an open can of Mountain Dew last month. Mr. McGuire says that the events of the next 48 hours are extremely hazy; he seems to barely remember a number of disconnected events – addressing a meeting of the Anti-Defamation League on the subject of “rewriting the Talmud in HTML”, wandering in a daze into the offices of COMMENTARY magazine, throwing his arms around Norman Podhoretz’s legs and sobbing “I love you man” over and over again, before being taken to Long Island and being purchased or rented by some Ukrainian gangsters, (McGuire claims that you exchanged him for five dollars and a used copy of FOR THE NEW INTELLECTUAL) endingfinally in a series of vaguely remembered but very uncomfortable scenes in New Jersey motel rooms, and equally vague recollections of being on thestage of a male strip club in the Bronx, having 20 dollar bills stuffed down his G-string. He finally woke up in a trailer somewhere in North Carolina, without any clothes, internal bleeding and with a quite a number of track marks on his arms. Mr. McGuire demands an apology and a reprimand in your records; he would also like to know where all the 20 dollar bills went. I believe that bringing this unfortunate affair to your attention will result in a resolution, but a little harmless horseplay is nothing to make a big deal out of.
RAY HEIZER (X-552)
Mr. Heizer’s work is flawless, and we are certainly glad to have him with us – everybody was very impressed with his previous exploits, which included such events as impersonating the state of Bahrain, operating the robot Yassir Arafat and building an entire false Mecca for “Operation Switcheroo”. In light of your sterling record, I have decided to give you the corner office – the one with a view of the giant statue of Nelson Rockefeller overlooking “Bilderberger Pond” and therefore I have decided to move Wayne Mc Guire down the hall into one of the smaller offices.
BILLY BECK (X-911)
Everybody deeply respects Mr. Beck’s contributions to our unit. It was much appreciated when you stopped by the Langley offices with a group of your “motorcycle enthusiast” friends on a “run” – a good time was had by almost all, and the “party favors” supplied by your fellow hobbyists were certainly a big hit. The only slight mar on the day was when some of your friends tied Wayne McGuire to one of their “hogs” and dragged him around the parking lot. This certainly cast a slight pall on the festivities ( at least for McGuire) and seemed a little extreme. (The speed bumps had a particularily unfortunate effect on McGuire; we are still trying to get the blood out of the pavement) Still, perhaps it was unwise of Mr. McGuire to loudly call “Bad Bob” a “pussy” and a “Kahanist faggot” after snorting a few too many “party favors”. And McGuire is healing up nicely; the skin grafts might actually take this time and his body cast will soon come off. So all’s well that ends well, that’s what I always say.
ROB ROBERTSON (X-915)
Your fine work and the envelope of cash has improved your performance rating immensely. I know that you have wanted to get out of the cubicle room for quite some time, so I have decided to give you Mr. McGuire’s office, and switch him to a cubicle. I think he would find a cubicle more social and friendly anyway.
JOHN Q. PUBLIC (X-992)
Always one of our most dedicated newsgroup disruptors, your excellent work needs no introduction. You even managed to fool Dave Sharp; he has been completely baffed by our fake “Osmolov” identity. Little does Sharp know that you are actually Pismo A. Clam, III, of North Briskit, Kansas. As to your request, I understand that you want an extra parking space for your Maserati, so people won’t park next to it and scratch the finish by opening their doors. This seems reasonable.
However the space next to your present space on the end is occupied by Wayne McGuire. After some thought, I have decided to give you McGuire’s space. Of course, this means that Mr. McGuire will have to park his Dodge Dart in the ditch just outside the Langley gates and walk (or, at this point, hobble) four miles down the road to get to our building; but that seems like a minor inconvenience. And McGuire looks like he could use the exercise anyway.
KURT LOCHNER (X-205)
Your work is particularily efficient – your special style of incoherant, garbled posts make the newsgroups particularily difficult to read. Your extra work in designing the military electronics we are sending to China is impressive – with your skills, we are now certain that Chinese missiles will invariably either explode in midflight or turn back and dive into their launching points. However, two points:
a. The cafeteria is not going to “go vegan”, no matter how many times you come in dressed in that stupid cow suit.
b. Sensitivity to Post-it Note fumes is not grounds for a disability claim.
c. Spraying red paint on the fur coat I got Hillary was a serious mistake. You know how she gets sometime. Still, I imagine your kneecaps will heal in time.
WAYNE MANN (X-555)
What can I say? Always dependable. As to your request. I fully sympathise with your desire to install a “Museum Of Historic Fountain Pens” in the office, but we are a little short on room. However, I have a solution; we will move Wayne McGuire out of the cubicle room, and put your Museum in there. Mr. McGuire will be installed in the hallway broom closet; small, it’s true, but efficient and cozy. I am sure he will not mind.
I must say, you have really fallen down on the job. As one of our “mobile agents” you were supposed to keep Sharp from finding out about us. You certainly failed here. However, I am glad to see that you are guiding Sharp down the right path – soon he will be completely under our control and won’t even know it!Keep working on him. As a bonus, I have just succeeding in getting you that gig as the opening act for the next Nine Inch Nails tour – I know you and Trent Reznor will hit if off just fine.
WAYNE MCGUIRE (X-909)
Mr. McGuire. Please try to improve. You have been our “problem child” here at CNDU and although everybody’s tried to help you, you have shown little
progress. A few final points:
a. Hygiene, hygiene, hygeine!
b. Avoid causing damage to the walls by scraping them with your body cast- plaster is not free.
c. The Wabash Academy of Hairdressing and Manicure called – they say they have no record of you as a student. Neither does the Bartending Institute
of Mixology, the Scuba Divers Academy of Mathmatics, or the Miami Institute of Technocracy. If you do not provide accurate– records of your
academic career, I am afraid that we may have to consider terminating your employment.
d. Cutting off the 1-900 calls does not mean that you can bring in “Virtual Vixen” and “Cyberslut” CD-ROMS and do the same thing. I repeat, there have been complaints. The smell is getting pretty bad. Please restrain yourself.
e. The Commander-In-Chief, our beloved leader President Clinton called. He said that he had given you $120 for a “teener” (whatever that is) and that he had not heard from you for four months. He said something about you being a “lying little ripoff” and a “burn artist” and that he was going to “fuck you up with a baseball bat”. He seemed somewhat agitated and I found it difficult to make out everything he was saying. Again, keep your personal business out of the office and try to avoid getting Bill angry – we have enough problems with the White House as it is.
f. That “Lug” person stopped calling, anyway.
g. On the other hand, I have noticed little people – or things, or whatever – moving around in the bushes outside the office. And I noticed that somebody had spraypainted your Dodge Dart while it was parked in the ditch by the gate WAYNE DONUT NOW LAST CHANCE FOR YOU LUNG. Is this connected?
By the way, that Dart of yours really sleazes up the Langley area – I had it towed a few miles down the highway so it won’t be thefirst thing visitors see when they come into CIA headquarters. What if Dave Sharp were to drive by? We’d never hear the end of it!
The mind control ray projector is for OFFICIAL USE ONLY! It is NOT to be used for PERSONAL BUSINESS or PRACTICAL JOKES! I suppose the person who tried to get me to give everybody a 500% pay increase thought that they were being very funny – they’ll be laughing out the other side of their
face when I have the appropriate reprimand placed in their file jacket!
That’s all for this year, people – keep up the good work!