The Lost World Of 1998 – ACECW

When USENET was young and Bill Clinton was in full bloom – from July 12, 1998

CLINTON NEWGROUP DISRUPTION UNIT PERFORMANCE REVIEW (UPDATED)

Greetings!
Well, another year has gone by, and it’s time for another performance review! Our old enemy, Dave Sharp, uncovered all of our secret identities
and publicly exposed all of our sinister activities. In essense, this means our entire mission has failed and that continued efforts will be futile and useless. On a brighter note, however, I’m glad to report that funding for this office has just been quadrupled and I have been promoted to Cabinet level. Plans for expansion of the CNDU are well in hand and we are already making plans for the staff pool, private staff bar and gym. So, as you can see, behind every dark cloud is a silver lining. I would like to remind you all that this review is TOP SECRET; please print this document out and then either burn it or swallow it. And now, on to the reviews! ( I have not gotten around to everybody; please don’t feel left out if you are not on this list)

JS, Supervisor, CNDU X-929

MIKE SCHNEIDER X-872z
Mr. Schneider has proven himself a valuable and tireless worker. However, there are a few minor bumps in the otherwise smooth highway of Mr. Schneider’s work record. Some staff have complained about Mr. Schneider’s taking over the cafeteria and declaring it the “Free Republic of Schneider”; there is a general feeling that the “microwave oven tax” is too high and that the Barrett .50 mounted in the doorway indicates a certain animosity. Still, I imagine this will all work out – and it is certainly preferable to the behavior of your predecessor, Mr. Max Kennedy, who would pay off football bets with “common law checks”. (Mr. Kennedy has moved on to the Department of the Treasury)

The only other complaint I have received is from Mr. Wayne McGuire (X-909) who claims that you gave him an open can of Mountain Dew last month. Mr. McGuire says that the events of the next 48 hours are extremely hazy; he seems to barely remember a number of disconnected events – addressing a meeting of the Anti-Defamation League on the subject of “rewriting the Talmud in HTML”, wandering in a daze into the offices of COMMENTARY magazine, throwing his arms around Norman Podhoretz’s legs and sobbing “I love you man” over and over again, before being taken to Long Island and being purchased or rented by some Ukrainian gangsters, (McGuire claims that you exchanged him for five dollars and a used copy of FOR THE NEW INTELLECTUAL) endingfinally in a series of vaguely remembered but very uncomfortable scenes in New Jersey motel rooms, and equally vague recollections of being on thestage of a male strip club in the Bronx, having 20 dollar bills stuffed down his G-string. He finally woke up in a trailer somewhere in North Carolina, without any clothes, internal bleeding and with a quite a number of track marks on his arms. Mr. McGuire demands an apology and a reprimand in your records; he would also like to know where all the 20 dollar bills went. I believe that bringing this unfortunate affair to your attention will result in a resolution, but a little harmless horseplay is nothing to make a big deal out of.

RAY HEIZER (X-552)
Mr. Heizer’s work is flawless, and we are certainly glad to have him with us – everybody was very impressed with his previous exploits, which included such events as impersonating the state of Bahrain, operating the robot Yassir Arafat and building an entire false Mecca for “Operation Switcheroo”. In light of your sterling record, I have decided to give you the corner office – the one with a view of the giant statue of Nelson Rockefeller overlooking “Bilderberger Pond” and therefore I have decided to move Wayne Mc Guire down the hall into one of the smaller offices.

BILLY BECK (X-911)
Everybody deeply respects Mr. Beck’s contributions to our unit. It was much appreciated when you stopped by the Langley offices with a group of your “motorcycle enthusiast” friends on a “run” – a good time was had by almost all, and the “party favors” supplied by your fellow hobbyists were certainly a big hit. The only slight mar on the day was when some of your friends tied Wayne McGuire to one of their “hogs” and dragged him around the parking lot. This certainly cast a slight pall on the festivities ( at least for McGuire) and seemed a little extreme. (The speed bumps had a particularily unfortunate effect on McGuire; we are still trying to get the blood out of the pavement) Still, perhaps it was unwise of Mr. McGuire to loudly call “Bad Bob” a “pussy” and a “Kahanist faggot” after snorting a few too many “party favors”. And McGuire is healing up nicely; the skin grafts might actually take this time and his body cast will soon come off. So all’s well that ends well, that’s what I always say.

ROB ROBERTSON (X-915)
Your fine work and the envelope of cash has improved your performance rating immensely. I know that you have wanted to get out of the cubicle room for quite some time, so I have decided to give you Mr. McGuire’s office, and switch him to a cubicle. I think he would find a cubicle more social and friendly anyway.

JOHN Q. PUBLIC (X-992)
Always one of our most dedicated newsgroup disruptors, your excellent work needs no introduction. You even managed to fool Dave Sharp; he has been completely baffed by our fake “Osmolov” identity. Little does Sharp know that you are actually Pismo A. Clam, III, of North Briskit, Kansas. As to your request, I understand that you want an extra parking space for your Maserati, so people won’t park next to it and scratch the finish by opening their doors. This seems reasonable.

However the space next to your present space on the end is occupied by Wayne McGuire. After some thought, I have decided to give you McGuire’s space. Of course, this means that Mr. McGuire will have to park his Dodge Dart in the ditch just outside the Langley gates and walk (or, at this point, hobble) four miles down the road to get to our building; but that seems like a minor inconvenience. And McGuire looks like he could use the exercise anyway.

KURT LOCHNER (X-205)
Your work is particularily efficient – your special style of incoherant, garbled posts make the newsgroups particularily difficult to read. Your extra work in designing the military electronics we are sending to China is impressive – with your skills, we are now certain that Chinese missiles will invariably either explode in midflight or turn back and dive into their launching points. However, two points:

a. The cafeteria is not going to “go vegan”, no matter how many times you come in dressed in that stupid cow suit.

b. Sensitivity to Post-it Note fumes is not grounds for a disability claim.

c. Spraying red paint on the fur coat I got Hillary was a serious mistake. You know how she gets sometime. Still, I imagine your kneecaps will heal in time.

WAYNE MANN (X-555)
What can I say? Always dependable. As to your request. I fully sympathise with your desire to install a “Museum Of Historic Fountain Pens” in the office, but we are a little short on room. However, I have a solution; we will move Wayne McGuire out of the cubicle room, and put your Museum in there. Mr. McGuire will be installed in the hallway broom closet; small, it’s true, but efficient and cozy. I am sure he will not mind.

DCDAVE (X-21)
I must say, you have really fallen down on the job. As one of our “mobile agents” you were supposed to keep Sharp from finding out about us. You certainly failed here. However, I am glad to see that you are guiding Sharp down the right path – soon he will be completely under our control and won’t even know it!Keep working on him. As a bonus, I have just succeeding in getting you that gig as the opening act for the next Nine Inch Nails tour – I know you and Trent Reznor will hit if off just fine.

WAYNE MCGUIRE (X-909)
Mr. McGuire. Please try to improve. You have been our “problem child” here at CNDU and although everybody’s tried to help you, you have shown little
progress. A few final points:

a. Hygiene, hygiene, hygeine!

b. Avoid causing damage to the walls by scraping them with your body cast- plaster is not free.

c. The Wabash Academy of Hairdressing and Manicure called – they say they have no record of you as a student. Neither does the Bartending Institute
of Mixology, the Scuba Divers Academy of Mathmatics, or the Miami Institute of Technocracy. If you do not provide accurate– records of your
academic career, I am afraid that we may have to consider terminating your employment.

d. Cutting off the 1-900 calls does not mean that you can bring in “Virtual Vixen” and “Cyberslut” CD-ROMS and do the same thing. I repeat, there have been complaints. The smell is getting pretty bad. Please restrain yourself.

e. The Commander-In-Chief, our beloved leader President Clinton called. He said that he had given you $120 for a “teener” (whatever that is) and that he had not heard from you for four months. He said something about you being a “lying little ripoff” and a “burn artist” and that he was going to “fuck you up with a baseball bat”. He seemed somewhat agitated and I found it difficult to make out everything he was saying. Again, keep your personal business out of the office and try to avoid getting Bill angry – we have enough problems with the White House as it is.

f. That “Lug” person stopped calling, anyway.

g. On the other hand, I have noticed little people – or things, or whatever – moving around in the bushes outside the office. And I noticed that somebody had spraypainted your Dodge Dart while it was parked in the ditch by the gate WAYNE DONUT NOW LAST CHANCE FOR YOU LUNG. Is this connected?

By the way, that Dart of yours really sleazes up the Langley area – I had it towed a few miles down the highway so it won’t be thefirst thing visitors see when they come into CIA headquarters. What if Dave Sharp were to drive by? We’d never hear the end of it!

TO EVERYBODY!

The mind control ray projector is for OFFICIAL USE ONLY! It is NOT to be used for PERSONAL BUSINESS or PRACTICAL JOKES! I suppose the person who tried to get me to give everybody a 500% pay increase thought that they were being very funny – they’ll be laughing out the other side of their
face when I have the appropriate reprimand placed in their file jacket!

That’s all for this year, people – keep up the good work!

John Sabotta

I’m thinking “Posse” – Any takers?

Most of y’all don’t know me. Some of ya do. No matter. I’m new to this here medium, but something occurs to me: There ain’t the sorta “mix” of characters here that makes wrastling fun. Where are the fuckwitted gov-loving bootlickers? Seems Johnny used a bit too much RoundUp and the little bastards never sprouted around these parts.

I mean, it seems to me that back in the old Usenet days, we had us a heap o’ fun shootin’ them creepy little brain-dead slime-spitters every time they popped their yammering heads above ground.

So, I was wonderin’ if there is somebody who could act as scout and point me to a left-wing online hiver hideout. And I was also wonderin’ if there was a few of y’all who would like to form a philosophical posse/raiding party with me.

Take the fight to them instead of sitting around here watching each other scratch ourselves (‘cept for the ladies of course). Poke the retarded hornets’ nest with the proverbial sharp stick.

The pay is no good, the job is dirty as hell, and it won’t make any difference in the big scheme of things. But sometimes, if we get lucky, we’ll make a few of those vote-worshipping shitheels cry. And that, my friends, is a pearl of great price.

Back at the No Treason Saloon

I push the swinging double doors apart, and wander in. I look over at my usual chair, vacant many years now I suppose, more years than I care to remember. Some sweet saloon girl is sitting there, playing Texas Hold’em with…bless my soul, it’s Ponytail John. God, could that be Lynette? I think it is. I heard tell they was hitched. It’s obviously been good for her. Hell, that woman would just not *shut up*. I pity her husband. Can’t recall the poor bastard’s name. Probably another loudmouth. Ah, it’ll come to me soon enough…

What the hell is that humming overhead? Of course. It’s been so long. Gently powering around the chandelier with that trademark atomic bubbliness only she can wield safely is lung, sweet little thing. I see Beck’s gun is hung up behind the bar (he must be around here somewhere, though I heard he was working his own ranch over the ridge a spell). I wonder if Schneider made it through? Oh heck, there he is. And Kip! and Starr! And a bunch of greenhorns I don’t even know. Well, time to carve out a spot I suppose. Floors sure are clean. Must be Ponytail’s housebroke now.

PONYTAIL! I’M BACK! A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE, ON ME!

I’m gonna just stand here at the bar. I don’t like sitting down – slows my access to my…ID, in case I encounter an officer and have to…identify myself.

Just bring the bottle. Nice place here. I like what you’ve done with it. Hell, I remember when this was a just an old warehouse full of canned meat. Anyway, I got a question…

What the *fuck* is this shit I’ve seen on TV with Bush’s n’ Clinton’s all grabbing each other’s asses and damn near stickin’ their tongues down each other’s throats at every library opening or natural disaster? Did the two Parties *officially* fucking merge while I was away or what?

Godamn, I am *thirsty*. Start talkin’, I’m all ears…

Turd Sandwich, Bourbon Chaser

But Stan, don’t you know, it’s always between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. Nearly every election since the beginning of time has been between some douche and some turd.South Park

I was away until well after the election and I didn’t get around to blogging much about it because it wasn’t very important. But last night I happened upon this thread on Fark where I learned that Radley Balko voted for Kerry.

Say what?

Balko had blogged again and again that he wasn’t going to eat that turd sandwich. I went back and reviewed his blog. The run-up to the election reads like this (I’m paraphrasing) :

I’m not gonna eat the turd sandwich. I’m not gonna eat the turd sandwich. I’m not gonna eat the turd sandwich. I’m not gonna eat the turd sandwich. I’m not gonna eat the turd sandwich. I’m not gonna eat the turd sandwich. I’m not gonna eat the turd sandwich. I’m not gonna eat the turd sandwich. I’m not gonna eat the turd sandwich. I’m not gonna eat the turd sandwich. I’m not gonna eat the turd sandwich. I’m not gonna eat the turd sandwich. I’m not gonna eat the turd sandwich. I’m not gonna eat the turd sandwich. I’m not gonna eat the turd sandwich.

Oops. I ate the turd sandwich. I washed it down with a bourbon.

I’m so naive and charitable. Lynette told me what was going to happen before the election. Our conversation went something like this:

John: How bad do you think it will hurt Balko with his audience when he doesn’t vote?

Lynette: What are you talking about? He’s gonna eat the turd sandwich.

John: Huh? He’s saying he’s not going to eat it.

Lynette: You can’t be serious. He’s eating the turd sandwich.

John: How do you know he doesn’t mean it? How do you know for sure that he’ll eat the turd sandwich?

Lynette: Because he’s rolling it around in his mouth?

Sabotta’s right, I’m a naive and gentle creature. Despite all evidence I always want to think the best of people. But in retrospect it’s perfectly obvious even to me that Balko spent the whole year working himself up to eat the turd sandwich.

And for what?

He knew perfectly well that eating the turd sandwich wasn’t going to have any effect on the outcome of the election. So why did he do it?

The Fark thread demonstrates why – he’s using it for street cred as a pundit (again paraphrasing):

You accuse me of being in the pocket of the Giant Douche? Well here’s how much you know: I ate the Turd Sandwich!!!

Better keep those bourbons coming…

“Is That Your Clever Way Of Saying You Smell Whiskey On Our Blog?”

What they say about us around the net:

“A little too consistent…. “
Micha Ghertner

“…left-libertarian warmongers…”
Lew Rockwell

“…the fulminations of some libertarian flake…”
Justin Raimondo

“…I’ve never heard of any of the people associated with the site despite the fact that I’ve been reading and writing libertarian literature for more than 25 years. A bunch of nobodies, in other words. They seem to be a gang of non-intellectual morons…”
Thomas J. DiLorenzo

“…obsessive and creepy…”
Radley Balko

“…lunatic fringe…”
Perry de Havilland

“pro-State warmonger/Bushian shill” … “Collectivist Supremo” … “bought-off, treasonous ilk”
Karen De Coster

“…complete disregard, even a disdain, for the importance of culture…”
Arthur Silber

“Given the above, *I* would place a high value in seeing you rot in a ditch.”
Michael Schneider

“…chattering punks…”
Stephan Kinsella

“Go fuck yourself, you lowlife asshole. You have shown yourself to be the vile slug everyone things you are. I hope you rot in hell.”
Stephan Kinsella

“…they’re a bunch of crackpots who believe the answer to everything is open borders, with everyone moving around the world and destroying nation, states, neighborhoods…”
Bob Wallace

“One thing that makes my day is watching bullying, obsessing, white-trash, juvenile obsessor-thugs going apeshit over the fact that they are given no quality airtime for their lack of intelligence and their tired, been-there-done-that, Mr. Bigshit routine. Only losers keep validating themselves to total strangers. As I admitted to an interested creep-watcher the other day, when I spy someone walking so close to the edge, it’s hard to resist the temptation of sticking yer leg out, and helping them over that edge. To rob a phrase from my CFO: “Are ya lovin’ life?” Damn right I’m lovin’ life! Lovin’ every damn minute of it. To the jobless psychos, hanging out in their dark, creepy world, looking for SOMEONE somewhere to notice them, comes my best visual of their decrepit, little lives (below). Now, back to reducing those opportunity costs, for I have finally reached the point of diminishing marginal utility in regards to this crowd…”
Karen De Coster

“Elsworthy Toohey lives! And he owns a blog called No Treason.”
Meaghan Walker-Williams aka Edward T. Bear, etc.

“Now, I firmly believe that Kennedy and Warren are Scientologists based on their own admissions, and actions. And if other libertarians become aware of this, they will lose any credibility at all for anything they may be hoping to achieve. “
Meaghan Walker-Williams

“Oh, and one more thing. No-Treason has now been listed as a Scientology Front Group by Lermanet.Com. Give it a few months and it will be listed on other resources as a Scientology Front Group as well.”

Meaghan Walker-Williams

“He wastes time daydreaming or watching others. He is really a very fine reader, but often ignores workbook assignments and tries to digress too much in the reading group. Too critical of others at times.”
– Mrs L. Holman, on jtk’s 2nd grade report card

“Okay… All I’ll need will be someone to let me know when I can have permission to fucking shoot myself. You goddamned cunts over at Kennedy’s place are disqualified.”
Billy Beck

I’m sure I’ve missed some good ones, please send me the links.

image

“If you think we’re trying to hide the fact we’re drinking on the blog you’re sorely mistaken, so desist from your clever odor references.”

No Disrespect Intended

A reader asks Greg Swann:

I’ve been perplexed by what appears to be rancor between you an JTK of No Treason for some time.

Swann replies:

I don’t think there is rancor. I have been giving John a bad time about this issue for about a year, because it’s a particularly glaring hole in his philosophy. But in this he is hardly unique: Virtually all libertarians are sweet Andy Taylors until they are injured–or imagine that they are–when they turn into raging Barney Fifes. But I give John enormous credit for continuing to think into adulthood, a very rare virtue. It seems plausible to me that he will work this out in due course.

For my part I can say that I’ve never had the slightest ill will for Greg Swann, nor have I ever been under the impression that he had any ill will for me. I like Swann.

I get this all the time. People are always thinking I’m pissed at someone because I bluntly disagree with them. But I don’t have any rancor for Swann or Radley Balko or Lew Rockwell or Stephan Kinsella. And I don’t mean to put these people in any special category, they’re just folks who some people assume I’m pissed at. I’m not. Never have been.

I’m confident Swann will understand this. To fully understand my presentational style on the internet, and especially to understand what goes on between me and Swann, you have to understand the context from which No Treason arises. The original contributors to No Treason all found their internet voices in the primordial slime which was Usenet.

Artist’s conception of Usenet.

That includes me and Lynette, Sabotta, Beck, Schneider, Robertson and Condor. Soja is new at NT but he was there slogging it out in the slime too. And so was Swann. As a consequence of that experience I think there is at least one thing I share with the rest of these people: I’m not inclined to pull my punches. That’s not to say I can’t and it’s not to say I don’t. I fully understand that this is generally frowned upon in “polite society”, but I enjoy going toe to toe with the gloves off. I’m not talking about personal attacks, I’m talking about identifying a weakness in someone’s argument and hitting it hard with no apology. And then hitting it hard again, as seems appropriate.

When Swann and I debate something about which we strongly disagree it’s only natural that the gloves are going to come off. No disrespect is intended, quite the contrary.

Breed Standard

As I observed some years ago, John T. Kennedy is a Rat Terrier. I could go on, but the Rat Terrier Club of America describes him best.
image

“The Rat Terrier is an American breed that originated from a mixture of crosses by early immigrants of this country… Bred primarily for farm and ranch dogs to hunt, protect and guard against vermin and varmints, Rat Terriers have strong jaws and are known for their quick, agile movements, which enable them to kill rats and other vermin and small game… These early crosses eventually gave the breed the speed and “nose”, as well as the good disposition they are known for today. A non-sparing, playful, happy-go-lucky, devoted companion that is also protective, and yet can be aloof with strangers. They are an efficient, intuitive hunter as well as an energetic and intelligent companion, at home in the city or country.”

In other words, if you find yourself cornered, you’d best pack a lunch because it will be a long day.

“It will be as if time were rolled into a ball…”

“>imageThe question I get asked most often is: Where’s Kipawa Condor? A lot of people think I just made him up because he so rarely posts. The truth is that Kip is on special assignment uncovering a vast conspiracy.

“2^21701 – 1 (bottom text) is the 25th Mersenne prime. Compare this with “the 29th Mersenne prime” (left side text), which is 2^110503 – 1. These #’s are probably some kind of cipher-key to decode other parts of the text. Given the repeated references to meetings at the ‘hotel california’, I tend to suspect that these pages are announcements to a group of people who are in the know about the code. Perhaps some sort of ‘skull and crossbones’ organization at the University would explain the longevity of the ads, as well as their mysticism and diversity. If you want to figure out what they mean, I suggest trying to guess what the ‘hotel california’ refers to, deciphering the current years meeting date, and crashing the gate on one of their meetings (of course, this assumes my theory about a scret society is correct, and also could be a trifle dangerous). Maybe they are a sect of the Discordians or something.”Kipawa Condor

Or something indeed.

Happy Birthday, Now We Are Two

This blog had it’s first birthday on June 4th, but No Treason was launched two years ago today. I’ve written a bit about how this project got started, but today I just want to thank the people who contributed so much of value. I thank Mike Schneider, Rob Robertson, and Kipawa Condor for their pivotal contributions which encouraged me to go forward. Billy Beck came onboard in time for the launch and became one of No Treason’s most important contributors until he started his own blog. (Sadly, learned of this just now.)

I thank John Sabotta first of all for his wonderful art which graces No Treason. Astonishingly, I have somehow tricked John into becoming our most prolific contributing blogger. I thank Tim Starr, our other current mainstay among bloggers. I thank my other blogson, I’m very glad we had Greg Swann here for as long as we did.

I thank everyone else who contributed. I thank Kasper for a bolt from the blue before I lost track of him. Phone home pal.

I thank Lynette for everything.

image